4 tips to get more help and stop feeling like a single parent
Do you ever feel like a single parent even though you have a husband or partner? Maybe he works remotely or maybe he is home but you feel as though he doesn’t do enough to help you? That’s tough. I know how lonely and frustrating and overwhelming that can feel.
My husband flys in and out for work so he’s away a lot of the time, but even when that wasn’t the case, I still often felt like I had to do it all. Dealing with the kids and the house and keeping everything running while he was at work was exhausting! But I was a stay at home mum so I thought that was my job.
When my husband was home from work after being away, of course I was happy to see him but to be honest, that created its own set of challenges. It meant a change in routine for me and the kids. Things like school drop offs, bed times and rules around screen usage (just to name a few) would all be done differently than the way I would normally do them. And then there was the list of things that I wanted him to fix or work on while he was home and those things just never seemed to get done no matter how many times I asked, reminded, or let’s face it, nagged.
The good news is that I was able to turn things around on my own, without having to have “one of those” conversations where I tell my husband how I feel–in other words I complain and blame—and he gets defensive and doesn’t know how to fix the problem so we both go to bed feeling frustrated.
I tried so hard to be the perfect wife and mother. It left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, lonely and resentful of my husband.
Here are four tips that allowed me to stop feeling like a single parent and get more help:
1. I stopped trying to do it all myself and keep everything under my control
I was so caught up in trying to be the perfect wife and mother, keeping the house tidy, the bills paid, the lawn mowed and the kids happy that I was running myself ragged and setting an impossibly high standard that nobody else could live up to.
When my husband tried to help with anything, it didn’t measure up to how I thought it should be done. Instead of feeling grateful, I was silently (or sometimes not so silently) criticising the way he did it, or the amount of time it took. Eventually he stopped trying to help. Looking back now I can’t say I blame him.
When I gave up controlling how everything had to get done and accepted help gratefully in whatever format it was offered, I made it safe for my husband to help without fear of me criticising him for doing it wrong.
2. I expressed my desires without expectations
When I was complaining and criticising, it wasn’t very inspiring to my husband. I’d say things like:
“This house is such a mess.”
“I’m so sick of mowing the lawn.”
“Do I really have to cook dinner again?”
Who wants to listen to that all the time? I can see why my husband’s eyes seemed to glaze over when I was talking. When I was able to flip my negative complaints and turn them into desires, I got a much better result. For example:
“I would love a clean house.”
“I would love the lawn to be mown.”
“I would love to not cook tonight.”
When my husband heard my desires, it made it so easy for him to swoop in and please me! The trick was letting go of all my expectations—i.e. control—around how, when or if my desires were fulfilled.
My husband might suggest I hire a cleaner or give the kids cereal for dinner. He might suggest paying one of the older kids who lives down the street to mow the lawn or he might say leave it and he will do it in a few weeks when he’s home again. However it happens, I receive his help graciously and say thank you.
3. I got happy with self care
This was a big one for me. When I feel overwhelmed, critical, frustrated, lonely—pretty much any negative emotion—I try to sit with that feeling for a bit if I need to, maybe have a cry or phone a friend or journal to let it all out and then I turn to self care.
By the time I had my third baby I recognised that it didn’t matter how high the pile of washing was on the spare bed or how many dishes were in the sink or even how many coco pops were on the dining room floor. What mattered was how good I felt when I could sit down and enjoy baby snuggles or invite a friend over so she could watch the kids while I had a hot shower.
Fresh cups of tea, essential oils in a diffuser or a nice smelling candle, a few pages of a good book or 30 minutes of trashy TV…any activity that can bring a smile to my face and joy to my daily life is worth its weight in gold.
Self care helps me remember who I am as a woman—not just as a mum or a wife—and what I enjoy, plus it helps me forget that the lawn may need mowing. Making myself happy is my responsibility! And when I make myself happy, I often notice that my husband will join in the fun and add to my happy mood.
4. I changed my perspective with gratitude
I used to complain all the time to my husband that he worked too much, he was never home, he didn’t take enough leave to spend time with us and I was stuck with the kids at home all day (and sometimes for weeks on end when he started FIFO shifts).
One day I was telling my coach how hard it all was and how I wished my husband would be home more and when I finished complaining she empathised and then said “wow, it also sounds like your husband works really hard to support your family and that his income means you get to be a stay at home mum”. Busted.
When I think back to the beginning when we were dating, I remember his work ethic being one of the things that impressed me about him. Somewhere along the way I forgot to be grateful.
Now when I’m feeling the same old familiar “poor me" feelings and resenting my husband, I like to drop and do 10. Not push ups, but gratitudes. It’s a great way to change my perspective and when I can share them with my husband it also has the benefit of making him feel appreciated for his efforts.
I find that what I focus on increases so it’s amazing when I start finding things to be grateful for, how many more wonderful things show up in my life.
These are just some of the skills and strategies I use in my life and relationship that have helped to make things more playful, intimate and create a deeper connection with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, when he is away for work I do still have my bad days! But I know I can turn to these tips to get back to feeling happier, calmer and more supported, plus my husband feels safer knowing he isn’t coming home to a nagging, controlling, cranky wife!
Looking for some self care ideas that don’t feel like they’re adding more work to your already busy day?
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