A failing marriage doesn’t make you a failure.
When I was a little girl, I had various dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up. My ideas ranged from professional show jumper to marine biologist to veterinarian to hair dresser. The one thing that remained constant in my future vision was that no matter what occupation I was in, I would be married to a man who loved me and we would have a family together. That was the fairytale that society told me I should strive for.
And so I did. I finished school, went to University and got a Bachelor degree, then I worked in a variety of different jobs in my chosen field until I met and fell in love with the man I could imagine spending my life with. A few years later I had a handsome husband, three young children, a roof over my head and all the necessities, so my life should have been everything I wanted, except it wasn’t.
My life (and marriage) felt like it was falling apart. I was miserable, critical and nagging while my husband was stressed, anxious and tapped out and neither of us knew what to do or how to make things better. The thought of separation or divorce brought up deep feelings of shame, embarrassment and fear in me. As if the failure of my marriage meant that I was a failure as well. Another belief that society had instilled in me.
That fear fuelled a lot my decisions and it drove me to do some things I’m really not proud of, like picking fights with my husband just to try and get him to talk to me and tell me how he was feeling. I blamed him (and his anger and anxiety) for our marriage breakdown because I felt as though I was trying so hard to keep our family together and he wasn’t. What I didn’t realise was that my trying to fix things translated to me attempting to control everything, including my husband.
Ask most people and they’ll tell you that when you have problems in your marriage, you seek marriage counselling. So I dragged my husband along to several sessions with me and I used those sessions to complain about everything he was doing wrong—everything he needed to change—so that I could feel happy and loved. I diligently completed my homework each week and tried to make him do his. I even answered questions on his behalf sometimes if I didn’t think his answer was detailed enough (and it usually wasn’t in my eyes).
I let my fear take over and clung to control like a lifeline. I thought if I could only get him to change, get him to see what he could do better, then our relationship would be better. But it didn’t work. My fear and control had the opposite effect and only drove him further away.
That’s when I discovered the Six Intimacy Skills™ and started working with a Certified Relationship Coach. With coaching, I was able to recognise my fears and stop trying to control things that I didn’t really have any control over anyway, like my husband.
Instead, I turned my focus to what I could control—myself. I made time every day to do things that made me happy, even if that happiness lasted only five minutes because I was still so sad and overwhelmed by what I was going through with my marriage. It’s one of those chicken and egg situations where I felt like I was miserable because my marriage was breaking but it turned out my marriage was breaking because I was miserable!
Slowly, I started to see improvements. I canceled our marriage counselling appointments and stopped trying to get my husband to see a doctor or psychologist for his anxiety. I stopped worrying about his mood when he got home from work and instead I just made sure I did fun things throughout the day so I could be happy when he walked through the door. If there were any problems that my husband could solve for himself, I stopped offering my help and trusted him. I was no longer acting like his mother and it also meant I had a lot more time to concentrate on my own happiness. It was such a relief! I hadn’t been failing for lack of trying to save my marriage, I had been failing because I was trying too hard.
My husband started taking on more responsibility. He made decisions for our family and signed up for a holistic health program offered through his work. He turned back into the competent, mature, hard working man I married. Rather than feeling hopeless about things I can’t change or have no control over, I feel free and empowered knowing that I get to decide how I think, how I react and how I want to show up in every situation. And what my husband does or says or thinks is entirely up to him.
As my marriage mentor Laura Doyle says, “Helpful in wife language is controlling in husband language.” She is so right, and who likes to feel as though they are being controlled? Not me, and certainly not my husband.
Failing marriage? You’re not alone.
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