Mentally ill husband—3 surprisingly effective ways to handle his moods
If only my husband would get help dealing with his mental health then our relationship would improve. That’s what I used to think, and I know I’m not the only one. It’s so easy (and yet it causes so much pain) to look over there at what he’s doing or what he’s not doing and to be the victim who is hopelessly trying to get someone else to change. It made me feel so powerless and stuck!
My husband sometimes suffers from severe anxiety when he’s really stressed and it makes him angry. The anger is always there, lurking under the surface just waiting for something small to set it off like the dog barking or the kids playing too loudly or not eating their dinner or even a dropped bowl or cup. He would do his best to bottle it all up and keep it under control but I could see how much he was suffering.
I would be constantly walking on eggshells, trying to manage things so that my husband didn’t have anything to snap and yell at. It was exhausting. I also blamed all the problems in our marriage on my husband’s anxiety, thinking if he could just get help, calm down, go on medication or work less to reduce his stress then things would improve and we could be happy.
The truth is that it was so much easier for me to look over my husband’s shoulder at his paper, at what he was doing (or not doing) than to take responsibility for my own happiness. It was easier to blame his anxiety for the distance and lack of intimacy between us. The aha moment for me came when I stepped out of “blaming victim mode” and stepped back onto my own paper, where I had more power to choose my focus and change my own mood.
Here are three ways to improve your marriage if your husband suffers from a mental illness:
1. Stop trying to fix him
When I saw my husband start to spiral down and retreat inwards, trying to suppress his anger, I felt that familiar feeling of dread and I would go into “helpful wife” mode. I’d offer to make doctors appointments, research local psychologists, buy recommended supplements, encourage him to go to the gym more often or reduce his alcohol intake. I basically turned into his mother/caregiver instead of his wife. And my “help” didn’t seem to make things any better. In fact it made it worse. I was scared and that fear made me try to “help” (i.e. control) my husband.
When I relinquished control and let go of trying to fix him or help him, and trusted that he was a grown man who is fully capable of taking care of himself, it was such a relief to both of us! It gave him the space to deal with his own feelings and needs, and me more time to focus on the one thing I could really control—myself.
2. Trust him as the expert in his own life
I wanted my husband to be happy and feel calm and less stressed so I thought I was doing the right thing by making helpful suggestions on how to manage his anxiety. What I was really doing was demonstrating my lack of trust in his ability to handle his own life. And what did I really know about what he was going through anyway?? I was definitely no expert.
The story I used to tell myself is that I could see what was going on, that because he was in it, he couldn’t see the big picture, how he had changed or how angry he had become. But of course he could. He didn’t like feeling angry all the time or having to apologise to the kids for yelling any more than I did.
When I stopped trying to help my husband with his life and I flipped that negative story playing in my head, I started saying to my husband “I trust you and I admire how dedicated you are to your health”. And an amazing thing happened. Instead of living up to the negative story/expectations I had before, what I focussed on increased—my husband started working out more, joined a health coaching program through his work and made the appointments he needed to get professional help.
3. Get happy
If you’re wondering how to relinquish control and get back to focusing on yourself and what’s going on in your own life instead of your husband’s, the answer for me was self care.
When my husband was stressed and anxious (sometimes for months at a time) I used to search his face when he walked through the front door to work out what sort of mood he was in. If he looked angry, I’d feel myself taking on his negative energy and I knew we were in for a tense evening.
Self care helped me to create my own positive energy. I would make sure that I filled my own cup each day with things that I enjoyed doing so that when he walked in the door I could greet him with a smile.
I would tell him all about how I caught up with my girlfriends for coffee, did a pilates class, took the kids for a play at the park, watched a great movie or about the funny things the kids had said or done. And I gave him the space to feel however he wanted to feel. It was such a relief knowing that I could make myself happy and choose how I wanted to show up, regardless of his mood!
Before long I even started to see my husband respond to my good mood and be drawn to my fun goddess energy, increasing our intimacy and connection. It became so much more peaceful in our house!
It wasn’t always easy. Some days that negative story would creep back into my head and I just couldn’t seem to do enough self care to overcome my worries. That is when I would reach for gratitude and remember that I could trust my husband to look after himself.
These days there is so much more laughter and joy in our household. My husband still gets stressed, anxious and angry occasionally (as do I—we’re only human and we’re raising three mini humans) but I don’t let it dampen my mood and I know how to give him the space to overcome it in his own time while I focus on myself and things that will fill me up and make me happy.
Need to update your self care list with some fun, joy-filled, smile-inducing activities that won’t break the budget?
