Why am I the only one working on our marriage?
I entered into marriage because I loved the idea of having a life partner. Someone to come home to each night, to share meals with, to keep the bed warm, to take the lids off jars and lift heavy furniture when I wanted to rearrange the lounge room again. Someone to raise children with and laugh with when one of those children does or says something inappropriate but also hilarious. Someone to love me even when I’m sick or cranky or starting to go grey and noticing a few extra wrinkles. I thought we would always be a team.
But somewhere along the way my marriage got lonely. We were both busy, stressed and unhappy. Our relationship started to feel more like hard work, and it seemed to me that there was only ever one person putting in any effort to keep us together. I was frustrated, disappointed and scared.
The most obvious next step was marriage counselling so I dragged my husband along to those expensive appointments and came out feeling even more disillusioned after complaining and blaming him and talking about the past for an hour each week. I thought the only way to save our marriage was for both of us to work on it together, but I couldn’t make my husband talk about his feelings or put more effort in or even care more about me.
The more I tried the more he retreated, and saving our marriage just seemed hopeless. I was so desperate to protect myself and our kids from having to go through a divorce and all that comes with it.
I was wrong about needing both of us to work on our relationship as a team. I was putting all my energy into trying to change him—someone I have no control over—and we were getting nowhere because he didn’t want to be controlled.
You might think, well if my husband isn’t involved in the solution then isn’t it pointless and just as lonely, trying to do it all myself? I thought so too at first. The difference is, when you have the right tools (as taught by a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach), the right support and the only person you’re trying to change is yourself, it’s a lot easier to implement new skills and start seeing results!
Success for me looked like taking care of myself, doing things that I enjoyed, getting happy, taking accountability for my own actions, listening more, showing my respect, letting go of the things I couldn’t control, receiving graciously and showing my gratitude. I did the work with the help of my coach and I continue to do the work.
The best part is that when I focussed on myself and my own transformation, my relationships with other people came along for the ride. My interactions with my husband are now so much more peaceful and we connect with playfulness and passion. The magic is back.
