The surprising skill that helped me attract my husband back and fix my marriage
When my marriage was at its worst, I was heartbroken and miserable. Getting out of bed every day was a challenge. Trying to get the kids fed and out the door without crying was a challenge. Putting on a brave face while I was out in public felt like torture, but I didn’t want anyone else to know how bad things were at home.
I was ashamed that my family was falling apart, that my husband didn’t seem to love me and couldn’t stand to be around me. I was desperate to do something, ANYTHING that would change the path we were on—heading straight for divorce.
We had already tried marriage counselling and that didn’t seem to help at all. If anything, it just made my husband angry and I became more desperate. I did learn about the four horsemen of the apocalypse though so…surely that will help me at some point in the future?? Maybe??
Anyway, it wasn’t until we gave up on counselling (and I kept searching for something to help me claw my way back up from relationship rock bottom) that I found an unusual solution. I stumbled upon a book about the Six Intimacy Skills™ and the very first skill was: SELF CARE.
I know, it seems like self care is old news, as if taking bubble baths and getting my nails done is really going to help my marriage, right? Well, that’s what I thought in the beginning but remember I was desperate so I figured it couldn’t hurt to try.
“Happiness is an inside job” - William Arthur Ward
Here are 3 ways that self care changed my life and marriage for the better:
1. I took responsibility for my own happiness (which took the pressure off my Husband)
Of course I’d heard many times before that I was responsible for my own happiness but there was some part of me that still thought my husband should be the one making me happy.
The trouble was, he didn’t have a hope because to be honest, I’d forgotten how. When we were in our dark days I remember he would sometimes try to make me laugh but I couldn’t hold onto that feeling. I would go right back to thinking about how I was going to lose him.
As Tony Robbins says, “ Where focus goes, energy flows”. I was focussed on the breakdown in my marriage and it was making me miserable. It seems counter-intuitive but in order to save my marriage, I first had to get out of my pit of despair and make myself happy.
It wasn’t easy, but self care was the necessary first step I took towards becoming the woman I wanted to be and creating a marriage I could be proud of. You’ve probably heard the saying “Only happy people have happy relationships”. It’s absolutely proven to be true in my experience.
2. Self care made me more attractive
My husband had told me that he didn’t love me in the same way that he used to and those painful words hung over my head like a big black cloud for a long time. I was devastated. He moved out, I was on my own with three young kids and I didn’t know what was going to happen. I felt so hurt, angry and alone.
When my coach suggested I try doing more self care I looked at her as if she were crazy. How could I possibly be happy when my marriage is falling apart?
I agreed to give it a try though. At first it seemed hopeless but with more practice and adding more things to my list that I enjoyed doing, I began to feel calmer. My mind had a break from all the negative thoughts when I was focussed on doing something that made me happy. I found I could smile more convincingly.
And I noticed that when I was filled up, happy and smiling, my husband would stay a bit longer when he came over to see the kids. He would joke and laugh with me. I started feeling more like the fun-loving girl that he had fallen in love with back when we were dating. I was becoming more magnetic and confident as my happiness levels increased, and my husband noticed.
3. Self care helped me stop trying to control things (or people) I can’t control anyway
Before I worked on the skill of self care my life pretty much revolved around other people, namely my husband and our kids. How I could help them, what was on their calendar, things I needed to plan or prepare for them…
I didn’t have a lot going on for myself and it kinda made me feel a bit boring. At the end of the day I didn’t have much to talk about so I tended to get all over my husband’s page, trying to be “helpful” (pronounced “controlling”). In some ways it was easier to look over his shoulder than create something of my own life.
Consciously pursuing activities I enjoyed like going out for coffee dates with friends, riding my horse, sewing, painting or learning a new skill not only made me happier but also gave me something to talk about with my husband and allowed me to get back on my own page.
When I had more fun things to focus on in my life it was a lot easier to stop trying to control my husband, which never really worked for me in the first place. (If you want to learn a better way, I talk about it in this blog post.)
So there you have it. Self care is now an essential part of my everyday routine and I definitely notice the tension return in my house when it goes missing!