If your husband has told you he doesn’t love you anymore or that he wants to separate or get a divorce or maybe he’s in love with someone else, it can feel like your whole world is collapsing around you and you’re powerless to stop it. It’s heartbreaking. Especially if you have children - how could he do this to you??

The natural reaction might be to cry, sob uncontrollably, scream or yell at him, blame him, beg him to reconsider or suggest other options such as marriage counselling. After all, you’re feeling hurt and angry and those feelings deserve to come out so that he knows how strongly you disagree with him, don’t they?

But we didn’t get that divorce… and it feels like we’ve gone back to our dating days. We laugh together, enjoy each others company, have romantic dinners, holidays at the beach with the kids (which my husband plans and books for us) and I feel supported and cared for. My husband goes out of his way to please me and be my hero!

So what did I do differently to turn my marriage around?

Here are 4 unexpected ways to fight for your marriage and attract him back

1. Surprise him

Hearing that your husband doesn’t love you and wants to leave is like a punch to the stomach. It brings on some really strong emotions. And of course you’re allowed to feel those feelings and you’re going to want to let them out. In fact, your husband is probably expecting your tears and anger and whatever else you want to throw at him (literally).

But what if you didn’t. Hear me out on this one.

What if you surprised him by listening and simply saying “I hear you”. Not agreeing or disagreeing, just hearing what he has to say. If you need to, you can cry and yell and get all the emotions out with a trusted girlfriend or coach—those feelings are valid—but letting him have it is not going to bring him closer to you if what you really want is to attract him back.

When my husband wanted to move out I resisted it and tried to convince him he was making a mistake. It didn’t work. When I truly accepted that this was what he needed to do for himself, and that he thought he was doing the right thing for our family, that’s when I started to see a shift in our relationship. When I created the emotional safety for him to share his thoughts with me—just by listening and not arguing or trying to persuade him—he opened up more and although it was still painful, I felt so much closer to him.

3. Own your actions

If he’s the one walking out on you (whether there’s another woman or not) it is so tempting to heap all the blame on him for the breakdown in your marriage, and your friends will probably agree!

I mean, you’re completely justified in doing so, right? I know I felt that way. But blaming him for everything didn’t help me. It just made me feel more helpless because there wasn’t anything I could do to get him to change.

When I looked over on my side of the street, I started to notice there were a few things I could have done differently in my marriage.

Now, I’m not saying it’s a woman’s fault if her husband strays—he’s still responsible for his own actions—but in my case there were some things I would do differently if I could go back. Things like treating him with more respect and trust, showing my gratitude for how he supported our family and being accountable for my own happiness.

When I realised my own mistakes, I took responsibility by apologising to my husband (not expecting anything in return) just so that I had a clean slate and could move forward knowing I had done the right thing. The apology felt like sandpaper in my mouth but the feeling of relief and lightness afterwards was worth it!

4. Faith over fear

Find someone who has your back. It might be a relationship coach or a good friend who will support you and stand for your vision of creating a marriage that’s stronger than ever, even when things get tough and you feel like it’s hopeless.

This person will listen to you cry or rant on your worst days and offer empathy. She won’t judge or try to insert her own opinions. She will hold your words and feelings in confidence, creating a safe space. She will be there for you and support you to find your own path to creating the life you want. She will have hope for you even when you don’t have hope for yourself.

This is what a relationship coach did for me (and what I do for my clients). I will be forever grateful for the support my coach provided while helping me have faith over my fear that I could rescue my marriage and make it better than ever.

If you feel as though your marriage is headed for divorce or you just want to know how to bring back the magic and make your relationship playful and passionate, you need an Action Plan! Click below to download your FREE Magic Marriage Action Plan now.