4 ways to survive Valentine’s Day loneliness
(and hold onto hope that your marriage isn’t over)
Love it or hate it, Valentines Day is right around the corner. For some, it’s just another day and for others it’s a chance to celebrate how adored they feel by their partner (and possibly gloat about it just a little).
If you’re going through a tough time in your relationship and wondering if your husband even loves you any more, the thought of seeing other couples looking so happy and loved up can feel almost unbearably painful. That’s how I was feeling not that long ago.
I knew better than to expect a gift or card. It had been years since my husband had even acknowledged the day with a “happy valentines day” message.
Thankfully I found the Six Intimacy Skills™ and they helped me see that I could still make the day special by celebrating myself and how far I had come instead of wallowing in self pity.
Here are 4 ways you can celebrate Valentines Day with or without him
1. Give him what he really wants (it’s not sex)
Yes, most men want sex too but if you’re sleeping in separate beds, he’s moved out or the physical intimacy just isn’t there anymore then chances are there’s something he wants more: Respect.
I thought I was a respectful wife but it turns out I was looking at it from a woman’s perspective (can’t blame myself for that) and I didn’t really understand what respect means to a man.
Do you sometimes not trust your husband? Do you ever refer to him as an extra child you need to look after? Do you question his judgement? Do you disagree or correct or try to teach him? Do you roll your eyes at him when he makes the mistake that you knew he would make, like forgetting a doctors appointment?
I made all of these mistakes in my marriage and I had no idea how disrespectful I was being to my husband, or the damage that it was causing! Here’s just one example (unfortunately I have many).
I had been nagging my husband about his mental health, making doctors appointments for him, encouraging him to seek professional help, googling solutions and trying to “fix” him. No matter what I tried to get him to talk to me about it, nothing seemed to work. He just got angry and pulled away from me, shutting me out.
When I first learned about respect and what it means to a man, I realised how he must have felt, as though I didn’t have any faith in his ability to be an adult who can take care of himself. I issued an apology to my husband for trying to fix him and for not trusting him to take care of his own health. In that moment, he wrapped me in his arms for the biggest hug. It was the first time he had touched me in months.
What I found to be true in my own marriage (and with my clients) is that restoring respect is an important step towards restoring the physical intimacy that may have gone missing.
2. Treat yourself
Who says you have to wait around for your husband to buy you flowers?? Go out and get yourself some pretty blooms, a box of chocolates, some wine or prepare a nice meal that you know you’ll enjoy.
If your relationship isn’t where you’d like it to be, that’s ok. What if instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you think about your vision for the future?
You get to choose what you focus on so why not spend a little time thinking about or journalling all the things you are grateful for right now (in your life or in your relationship) and then pretend that your vision has already come true.
How would you show up differently now if you knew that everything in your vision was going to happen eventually?
3. Make time to get happy
If you know Valentines Day is going to be tough for you with feelings of loneliness or sadness, this is your chance to get ahead of the needless emotional turmoil and plan some quality self care.
What can you do that will put a smile on your face? What is something that you enjoy that takes up all your brain power, and gets your thoughts out of their negative spiral?
If you are lucky enough to see or talk to your husband on Valentines Day, wouldn’t it be fun to show up with a big smile on your face and make him wonder what has you looking so happy? He may just get a sparkle in his eye and want to please you even more…
4. Receive, receive, receive
Men inherently want their wives to be happy and when you are, he feels successful!
When we first started dating, my boyfriend (now husband) used to buy me flowers, just because. One day he had a huge bunch of red roses delivered to my office and I was so embarrassed about the big fuss that all my female colleagues made.
I would tell him flowers were a waste of money because they look pretty for a few days and then die. I was a terrible receiver! I didn’t know then that rejecting the gift meant I was also rejecting the giver.
Now whenever I receive anything (a gift, a compliment, an offer of help or an apology) I simply smile and say thank you.
If my husband buys me something that I’m not exactly excited about or that I wouldn’t have chosen for myself, I receive it graciously and show my appreciation because he made the effort. It means he was thinking of me and I know he wants to please me.
So for Valentines Day this year, my gift to my husband will be a happy, respectful, grateful, receptive wife, regardless of how he chooses to acknowledge the day!